Thursday, August 13, 2009

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I’m just going to start this off by saying there are some perverts at Disney. Not everyone – probably. But enough of them. Remember that penis castle on the “Little Mermaid” cover art? That is not Photoshop ladies and gentlemen, it’s legit. I’ve got the same cover on the original VHS clamshell tape case for my second grade copy. Now Snopes says this is just urban legend, but the drawing is in fact legit. The urban legend is just that a disgruntled illustrator did it on purpose. Apparently it was accidental or whatever. Then there’s the whole thing with the word “sex” appearing in a cloud of dust in “The Lion King” – which seems to be legit. And the picture of a topless woman in “The Rescuers” – which even Snopes admits is true. So I’m just saying, there are some perverts at Disney. And some of them are clearly still employed there, though displaying their predilections in a much more subtle fashion.

A few months ago I wrote a story about how Disney is trying to stick their brand all over healthy food like fruits and vegetables and eggs instead of Chicken McNuggets (yums) and McDonald’s legendary flat hamburgers. My favorite are the High School Musical avocados. I bought a bag the other day, and I swear the taste of a nice creamy avocado combined with the face of Zac Efron was positvely delightful. Slap some Laughing Cow on a cracker and you’ve got one heck of a snack.

So Disney said they were planning on rolling out a bunch of other healthy items to lure in the kiddies. The Washington Post suggested a Hannah Montana banana. Genius, right? Unfortunately Disney discarded that perfectly clever – and super marketable – idea, in favor of Hannah Montana cherries. Red, ripe cherries from the 16-year-old who just did a pole dance on an ice cream cart the other day.

And I bet you didn’t know she had more than one! Seriously, Disney is the wrongest wrong of all the wrongs. Chris Hansen needs them to put down that iced tea and have a seat….

In future news, Hannah Montana’s red cherries have sold out! The entire stock was bought by a man named Mark McLeod-Cyrus [Miley’s stalker].

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[From Dlisted]

It’s obviously possible this is all innocent. But my point by going over Disney’s perv history is showing there’s a chance it isn’t, too. I mean think of all the other fruits and veggies out there. Why not bite into a nice Hannah Montana kiwi? Or a nice bowl of organic blueberries? I guess there could be some inherent problems with the banana idea, but they’re all still preferable to cherries. And think how many brands Disney has to promote. How did this particular combination seem like the best way to go?

Last night I made the loveliest Donald Duck mashed cauliflower. I was a little disappointed by the finished dish – it tasted like it had no duck in it whatsoever. The only flavor I could detect was some nasty cruciferous vegetable. But clearly Disney’s plan is working, because here we are talking about it – and eating it. Now if only I had some pitted fruit to munch on.

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